things to remember, edition: dating violence & abuse

For a long time I was in a very unhappy relationship with a popular punk dude who didn't treat me very well. It was especially complicated by the discourse of radical communities that supposedly prioritizes supporting and making safe spaces for folks who have been abused, but which fell flat in my case. I've ended up having to confront the difficult, monumental task of redeveloping my self-esteem and self-love mostly by myself, after years of abuse that drove me into the ground.

I know that many survivors of abuse find themselves with little outside support for many different reasons, so for a while I've been compiling a list of things that I wish people would keep telling me, but which I have to keep telling myself. Maybe they're bromides, but they've been true for me and for many of my friends. Even if you're not alone in dealing with such a difficult situation, hopefully these words of empowerment and support will prove helpful, regardless.

(I just want to make a note that in the following list, I mostly use "he" pronouns when referring to abusive partners. This is mainly a reflection of my own experiences, as well as of a patriarchal, binarist, heteronormative culture that devalues women and often normalizes violence perpetrated against them. However, I want to emphasize that abuse can occur in all contexts, across all genders and types of relationships. Abuse can be perpetrated by family members, housemates, co-workers, friends, partners, lovers, teachers, bosses, and anyone else. However, my depth of experience has mostly involved romantic relationships with men, and to that end, I mostly focus on that sort of dynamic in this post. But I do want to acknowledge that abusive relationships are fluid and insidious, and they can occur among all walks of life, but they are often informed and exacerbated by oppressions and the unequal power dynamics afforded by such social capital. It's important to keep in mind that everyone's experience of abuse is different, and that restricting a discussion of abuse to husband-abuses-wife is incredibly restrictive and erasing. I'd like to compile a (nowhere-near-comprehensive, but hopefully still helpful) post giving voice to folks' experiences that are vastly different from mine, to highlight the fact that this shit happens everywhere. And it's bad.)

• IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Period. You may hate yourself and you may feel so much guilt and self-blame, which commonly happens to victims of abuse and assault. It happened to me. It engulfed me. It still does. It makes me feel like I will always be a failure and a bad person for clinging so desperately to an unhealthy relationship when one of my biggest passions is positive communication and good relationships. It makes me feel like if I had done things differently then things would've been different, and he wouldn't have been so unhappy and angry and awful to me. It makes me feel like I will never get better, and I will always be stuck. But know, please, that it is not your fault. Life is full of choices, and abusers make choices to abuse. And it is not your fault. 

• PEOPLE FUCK UP. You've probably fucked up in that relationship. We all have. Abusive relationships are especially crazymaking, which makes it great for the abuser, because they get to say shit like, "you know, I just felt so sorry for her, she was so unstable, I wanted to help her," and people will probably believe them. I know that I have dealt with crippling guilt for the things that I have done wrong, but I try to be realistic about the effects of abuse and how it warps our responses to certain situations (especially situations that are crazy and make no sense and trigger all sorts of fear-based, fight-or-flight adrenaline reactions in victims), and I know that I can continue to improve and rectify my behavior for the rest of my life. I also try to remember that I am making a choice that is healthy and positive and will bring good things to my life. This choice is letting me live a life that is free of harm and violence from people I love. And that's important.

• FOCUS ON YOU. To add to the last point, he may inventory every less-than-perfect thing you ever did, and he may shout it from the rooftops to all of his friends and associates to save face. (This is one of the hardest things in the world, but:) don't focus on the shit he is saying about you. Don't focus on how happy he is without you in his life anymore. Don't focus on the things he said that you did wrong. Don't focus on his self-destructive or depressive behaviors; you can't heal his pain. You deserve to focus on yourself and your happiness and your healing. There's always a time later for healthy self-criticism, but not while you're already being inundated with shaming and blaming and shit-talking from everyone with their varying agendas.

• THERE ARE RESOURCES OUT THERE. Use them, they want to help you. And there is no shame in calling a crisis hotline.

• DESPITE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TOLD, YOU'RE WORTH IT. Even if you've been told for years and years that you're not fun or smart or competent or attractive or interesting or punk enough, you are. You are important, and you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to do things that are positive for you.

• YOUR EXPERIENCES ARE REAL. Abusers are really good at manipulating situations, and they might tell you that everything is your fault, that you made them so unhappy or angry that they had to hurt you, that what you experienced wasn't really abuse, that you're oversensitive or vengeful or unstable or (insert any other demeaning, invalidating adjective), and everyone might believe them. A common component of psychological abuse involves convincing the victim that they are "going crazy" and losing touch with reality and not seeing things the "right" way. But know that what happened happened, and you are not delusional, and your experiences are real, even if it seems like no one believes it.

• TRIGGERS ARE EVERYWHERE. Try to formulate a plan about how to deal with them. Personally, I encounter varying degrees of adrenaline responses everyday that are related to my abuse. They suck, but I try to make the most out of them by analyzing the expectations, feelings, physical manifestations, and catalysts associated with them. Sometimes that isn't possible, and it's good to have a sense of how to best handle those shitty situations before the fact. There are some (sometimes helpful, sometimes not) ideas out there, like creating mad maps to remind yourself of how to respond to your own needs in times of emotional crisis. And just putting it out there -- there is no shame in taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications to deal with the often-inevitable emotional fallout from abuse. I'm currently discussing Wellbutrin with my therapist.

• IT'S OKAY TO STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR ABUSER. It takes time. It doesn't mean you're "not a real victim" if you love the person who hurts you. There are likely a ton of good things about the relationship and about your partner that make you doubt your decisions everyday. Abuse is fraught with so many complicating factors and dynamics; there is no universal experience. I have been madly in love with my abuser for years and years and years, despite the overwhelming amount of terrible things that he did and said to me. And it has taken me a long time to admit that and come to terms with it and work on a space for healing independent of that reality.

• ABUSE IS THE UNFAIREST SHIT IN THE WORLD. You may never, ever understand why someone you care about is hurting you and treating you like garbage. You may never have your experience validated by mutual friends or other close relations. You may feel like the whole thing is a sick, disgusting joke; you may be livid and want to scream, "ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING KIDDING ME?" You may struggle with what if's and guilt for years; you may have your entire worldview vitiated and broken down by the experience. You may have to sacrifice your friends, your job, your community, your hobbies, your city of residence, and even your favorite coffee shop all because of shit that he did to you. You may wonder what the hell you ever did to "deserve" that kind of mistreatment. But again, please know that it is not your fault, and the abuse is not a realistic reflection on anything about you. It is so unfair, and it's bullshit, but that's just what it is: it's bullshit. It's not based in reality or reason.

• THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WILL VALIDATE YOUR FEELINGS. They may be far and wide, but they're there. I know how crazymaking and frustrating it can be to feel like no one gives a shit about something violent and horrible that is tearing your world apart. I had to drop out of a punk scene and an anarchist community because everyone believed and unconditionally validated every fucking thing that my abuser did and totally kicked me to the curb. None of our mutual friends from high school knew, cared, or believed me about the situation. And I felt (and still often do feel) hopeless and lonely and desperate because I feel so invalidated by everyone's nonchalance. But there are free counselors in big cities, and crisis hotlines (that can be reached from anywhere, whether I'm living in the city or suburbs or rural areas), and my friends from places all over the country and all over the world who believe me and who want to support me. Believe me, they're out there. It may take a lot of courage to reach out to those folks, but they want to help you. I want to help you, and I believe you.